every time i've been pregnant, i've had one very obvious tell-tale sign: sore breasts. so sore, in fact, they hurt to the touch. i knew they would swell over time, but i did not expect them to explode seemingly overnight (this may have to do with the extra progesterone i'm taking, too...). even though i'm a small-framed girl, i've always been fairly well-endowed above. but in just eight week's time, my cup size went up TWO WHOLE SIZES! (my husband is loving it. me, not so much!) i did a lot of reading about maternity bras, and i decided to skip the expense and just go to my tried and true bra store: Victoria's Secret. they have professionals there trained to do measurements, so just to be sure i wasn't going crazy, i had a professional fitting done. i sucked it up and bought two, full-coverage super soft, wide-strapped bras that i can rotate through the duration of this pregnancy (until it's time to swap for breast feeding-friendly bras).
in other boob news that is probably way too much information, they are not only enormous and sore, but they look completely different! my areola also grew (ak!) and darkened (double ak!). and get this, i used to love the feeling at the end of the day when i would take my bra off... but now, it legitimately hurts to ditch the support. they are so heavy already, i'm hoping that they don't get too much bigger! cheers to large-and-in-charge ta-tas!
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this week, in addition to wicked morning sickness, i battled with myself about posting. there are so many things i wanted to share, but i kept stopping myself. honestly, i was terrified that if this week's ultrasound showed no heartbeat, then i'd have posted in vein.
in retrospect, this isn't the truth, but that may have something to do with the fact that little babe is still doing well! today, little babe measured in at exactly nine weeks (which gives me a due date of november 30, 2017) with a heartbeat of 184 bpm. because my hubby couldn't attend (he was at a meeting putting finishing touches on our surf camp coming this summer - total selfish plug: check him out on istagram and facebook!), my mom came with, which, thankfully, was a great experience for both of us :) i also went for blood tests (yeah.. those don't seem to have an end in sight), but they feel almost routine now, so it wasn't a big deal. because the blood clot is still visible (although much smaller than before), my ob didn't have any issue with weekly ultrasounds. i set them all up today through the duration of the first trimester! and, in great news for my nether regions, i can stop taking the progesterone suppositories on may 6th! (tmi alert: they cause irritation like whoa.) so, while i'm still a nervous wreck, i'm reminding myself to remain positive. i have lots of support (thank you!) and only 35 more school days left (but who is counting?!)! today was my fifth and final ultrasound with the reproductive endocrinologist. while most women would be so excited to get passed along to their ob, i am totally freaked out. the last two miscarriages were both "missed." this means that i miscarried in-between ultrasounds without ever being the wiser. and they both occurred in-between my 8-week check-in and my 12-week nucal scan. to put this pregnancy into perspective, i am currently in week 7.
there are some other issues that present themselves with getting discharged from the RE. first and foremost, i need to mention here that i absolutely love my obgyn. if i were to have ANYONE deliver my baby, it would be him, hands down. but his practice is EXTREMELY busy. like so busy, that getting in any appointment is damn near impossible. and since the RE (and i) would feel most comfortable with weekly ultrasounds from now until the 12-week mark, this means taking off work and taking off often. not so easy for a non-tenured teacher. (a) i can't just leave my third graders to fend for themselves, (b) i don't have many days, seeing as this is my first year in this district, and (c) i can't just run to the doctor for an hour and come back; i literally have to talk a half of a day. so, i did what i thought was "smart" - i made an appointment with a high-risk obgyn, who has evening hours and is located close to school. but this morning, when i told the RE, she shook her head "no" quite vigorously, telling me that this was NOT a doctor she recommended. strong words from one doctor about another. so alas, i'm back to my original ob. i'm going to drop off my paperwork today, and see if they won't just pre-schedule my weekly ultrasounds in advance of my follow-up appointment a week from today. we shall see. ...back to today's ultrasound: all looked great - a huge sigh of relief (for now). heartbeat was 156, and at 7 weeks, this is right on target. i have been experiencing pretty intense morning sickness this past week, but this is a new symptom i've not experienced in the past, so it's a welcomed nausea, if you can believe it. keep those prayers coming :) stay tuned as i battle with doctor receptionists to be seen on a weekly basis... this week, i received two really thoughtful gifts. both are religious in nature, and even though i'm not catholic, i'll take prayers from anywhere i can get them.
the first gift came from my husband's best friend's mom. she heard of our losses and sent us roasry beads of the seven sorrows. she even had them blessed by a priest. the second gift was given to me by my literacy coach at school. she had gone through similar struggles, and said that the st. gerard metal made the difference. i carry them with me, tucked away in a pocket, and silently hope that these will bring some higher power help. this week was legit hell. constantly worrying. constantly checking every time i went to the bathroom to make sure there wasn't more blood. constantly monitoring my symptoms: is that a new one? did this one fade? constantly stressing, then being reminded not to stress, then stressing out anyway.
today was (what should've been our third but wound up being our fourth) ultrasound day. there's a mix of calming relief from having some sort of answer (no matter what the outcome) and total anxiety on ultrasound day. i literally said to my husband in the car ride to the doctor this morning, "if i have to schedule another d&c, i probably won't be able to make easter brunch." he told me to shut up (in a loving way, of course) and reminded me to stay positive. anyway, ultrasounds happen fairly quickly. the build-up is really all just in my head, but there's never a long wait in the doctor's office. and once the doc enters the room, well, the screen is facing you, so there's really no putting off answers. they physically stare at you in the face. today was a positive ultrasound. the pregnancy is still viable! "little babe" (i guess we'll just stick with that nickname) is in a much better position, measuring in at six weeks and two days. we even got to listen to the heartbeat (currently coming in at 127 beats per minute). the subchorionic hematoma (that's the blood clot in my uterus) is still very much there, but it's closer to the exit (cervix) than is little babe. relief was fleeting, however, because now i have thirty three and a half weeks left to stress over. i'm officially on "pelvic rest" (which is just a nice way of saying, "don't do anything stupid and get a lot of rest"). thankfully, my spring break starts after school today, so there will be a lot of feet up over the next week! positive vibes welcomed :) yesterday's blood work came back totally normal, but the doc prescribed me this vaginal suppository (sorry, i know that's totally gross). the medication is extra progesterone (even though my levels are fine), which may help (although not proven) support an early pregnancy in infertile women. well, the pharmacy didn't have it in stock, so they ordered it, but now i am kicking myself hard because i should have demanded that they find it at another pharmacy so that i could pick it up and start taking it immediately.
this morning, i had a distinct wetness "down there." i know that feeling. not so wet like oh-my-god-i-just-peed-myself-wet, more like, oh-shit-i'm-definitely-bleeding-wet. i got up to use the restroom, and low and behold, brown blood. immediately panic mode set in. thank god i have such a level-headed husband, who took care of the dogs, got himself dressed, and drove me right to my RE's office. once i got there, they drew some more blood (but i won't have those results until later today). next, i had an ultrasound. if i want to see a silver lining here, it's two fold: (1) little babe moved into a better position and out of the 'corner' of my uterus, and (2) the pregnancy is still in tact. BUT, i did throw a blood clot in my uterus (hence the blood). unfortunately, there's nothing left to do but wait. (the next time i mention that waiting is excruciating, by the way, someone slap me and remind me of this situation!) all we can do is hope that the clot gets reabsorbed and just... goes away. normally, a blood clot like this doesn't put women at higher risk for miscarriage, but since this seems to be my body's MO, i am now considered 'extremely high risk'. because the likelihood is so high, in fact, that i will miscarry, i was give a sample collection kit - ya know, so that it can be tested. the thought of going through this a third time makes me want to vomit. if ever there was a time for prayer, now is it. well, little babe hasn't budged. the good news is that there might be enough uterine wall padding the gestational sac. the bad news is that even for a reproductive endocrinologist, she only sees cases like this about ten times a year. she still seems optimistic, and based on past patients, she has high hopes for a normal, healthy pregnancy. thus, hubby and i feeling cautious... but also hopeful. because of the placement of the embryo, i have to be monitored a little more closely (even for going to a specialist), which just means blood work and ultrasounds more often than not (which i am okay with!). this also means "modified bed rest" continues. literally, i go to work and then come home and put my feet up. not terrible for a woman who loves to relax. absolutely horrific for someone like me who is constantly on the go. thank goodness i have tons of help. my mom comes over to clean. my husband makes dinner. and i... well.. just have to learn to live with it for the time being :)
today is my birthday. instead of celebrating, though, i'm a nervous fucking wreck.
pregnancy after multiple miscarriages isn't exactly a joyful experience. at least, not to me. not yet. maybe once i get to week 39 i'll let myself breathe a little bit. but for now, i'm riddled with constant worry. and people continually say, "oh, you definitely need to just not think about it," or "you should just try to relax," or some other version of bullshit about how i need to calm the fuck down and just "not worry". so i ask, how on earth can i not worry? i'm petrified that this will turn into another failed pregnancy. that i will have to wait until i cycle again before i start more injections. that i will keep up this seemingly never-ending cycle. one thing i know i have in common with other women who have experienced miscarriages, is that with each pregnancy, you hope for something to be different... a sign... some symptoms that you haven't yet experienced... so far, this isn't the case for me. as far as i can tell, i have had no "signs." i am still experiencing the same exact symptoms as my previous two pregnancies: sore breasts, increased hunger, shitty sleep, and so thirty, i could out-drink a camel. that doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it's hard to think that this is the one that will stick when in reality, there's nothing that may prove that's the case. alas, it iiiisssss my birthday, so i'm trying to focus on other things. like the fact that my husband surprised me by having flowers delivered to school. or that my students got me the collective gift of 'not calling out today'! or that i'm totally going to have a cheat meal tonight. fingers still crossed, please. tomorrow morning is a big day. this week was exceptionally difficult to post. aside from my friend's loss (see yesterday's post), i also ran into an old friend while we were getting blood work. she was back on the RE bandwagon after suffering an ovary loss due to an ectopic pregnancy from iui. (have i mentioned that all of the women i mention on this blog are INCREDIBLY strong and that i am in awe of all of them?! literally.) her story hit me hard because i knew that my first ultrasound appointment was to check that the fertilized egg did, in fact, drop out of the fallopian tube and into the uterus.
did i also mention that today was supposed to be my first due date? yeah. anyway, this morning was my first ultrasound, and thankfully this was the case. unfortunately, the doctors (yes, there are many) now seem to think that my uterus isn't "ever so slightly heart shaped" (which was the original consensus). now it's "triangular" and the baby is located in the upper-right corner. so what does this all mean? it means that if the embryo stays in this position, the baby will have no room to grow as time goes on, thus resulting in a miscarriage. i go back for another ultrasound on thursday. fingers crossed this baby isn't as stubborn as i am. this week, a friend of mine experienced a terrible loss. she was just shy of 24 weeks pregnant. her baby had a rare genetic disease called beare stevenson cutis gyrata syndrome. CHOP was only aware of 20 born cases, most of whom have passed within the first year of life.
upon my friend's wishes, if you are able, please consider making a donation to a group called children and the earth. monies donated will go to a little girl with BSS. please make donations in the name of brielle burr. |
Authorjust a girl growing into womanhood growing into motherhood. Archives
January 2018
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