that title /\ sure does encompass a lot, but for me, they are all intertwined.
in the hospital, i wasn't ever given a choice. i mean, that was fine by me, since my plan was to breastfeed anyway, but looking back, no one ever had a conversation about this with me. in fact, no one even showed me how. i remember when the nurse came in the day after asher was born to ask if i had fed him. "fed him?" i thought... "how do i do that?" she grabbed my boob and tried to shove it into my son's mouth, but to no avail. "keep trying," she instructed. so try i did. i spent that next day trying over and over and over again. eventually, i asked to speak with a lactation consultant (and i honestly wouldn't have even known to do that, but a good friend of mine had given birth two week prior and told me to do so). the lactation consultant esentially did the same thing the nurse did: contort my boob every which way possible and shove it into my son's mouth. when that didn't work, i was shown how to hand express the colostrum from my breast and syringe feed the baby like a bird. whatever worked. upon her exit, she instructed me to "keep trying." this went on for the entire length of our hospital stay. three lactation consultants, five nurses, and even one attending doctor tried to get my son to latch. eventually the original lactation consultant returned to check on us and handed my a nipple shield. it worked! but before i could get too happy, i was instructed to NOT use the shield for more than a few days and to "keep trying". what a bummer. the day after we were released (yes, the day after), i attended a breastfeeding group with that same lactation consultant. again she tried, but to no avail. upon my exist she suggested i look into hiring a private lactation consultant. i remember watching all of the other women at the group breastfeed their babies. some even shred stories of breastfeeding struggles and woes, but i left feeling more defeated than empowered. i now know that his inability to latch was do to severe ties all over his mouth and that no amount of "trying" was going to solve that. against convention, i continued to feed my baby using the shield. hey, if it isn't broken, why fix it? after the revision surgery, aj was still unable to latch, and so use of the shield continued still. i found a new ibclc who did weighted feeds and, while use of a shield is considered a "crutch", my son was transferring milk well and gaining weight. in my eyes, those are both major successes. but then the rashes started. "restrict your diet" i was instructed. so i took out dairy and soy (and beef, too, because bovine protein closely mimics milk and soy protein). and magically, the rashes disappeared. victory! but then more rashes, angrier rashes appeared. "restrict your diet" i was instructed. so i took out gluten and corn (also high allergens). and soon, those rashes faded, too.... but not before the bloody stool began. (and let me just tell you, seeing blood in my son's poop bout scared me to death!) "restrict your diet" i was instructed. so this time, i also removed eggs and nuts. i'm not going to sugar coat this, because i know there are women who eat this cleanly every day, but living like this was a miserable existence. so i did what i thought was an easy fix, i asked for a prescription for hypoallergenic formula. the formula is covered by insurance (thank goodness, because it's super expensive!) and smells TERRIBLE. i called my ob to let him know that i would be ceasing breastfeeding, and he gave me a chart to do so slowly (so as to avoid engorged breasts and mastitis). the first time i fed him a bottle, i cried (i did the second and third time, as well) and my son screamed. i switched bottles and nipples, but every time, he would just cry, cry, cry and make "yucky" faces (and hell, i couldn't blame him). this is where the mom guilt really started to set in. mom guilt is like normal guilt, except it makes you question your parenting decisions. should i have just kept the restricted diet in order to keep breastfeeding? was i being truly selfish? there are women out there who literally cannot breastfeed - and here i am, choosing not to. those were a long few nights and days. up all evening thinking about how i possibly made a huge mistake and dreading the moment i would have to make a bottle for my baby. but it wasn't until the other day when my best friend came over with her baby (he's only a month or so older than asher!). there she was, breastfeeding away (without a shield, i'd like to add) and here i was, forcing my screaming child to drink this concoction that i legitimately loathed. (it is SUPER IMPORTANT that i add here that i am totally not against formula-feeding! whether you have to or choose to - the MOST important thing here is that baby is fed and thriving. but for me, i just want to highlight the emotions switching over to formula evoked for ME.) it was at this moment that i realized just how emotional i was about breastfeeding. i shoved my feelings aside and the very next day, attempted formula feeding again. two other friends were over witnessing this and how upset it made me. that night, i had a breakdown. i cried to my husband and to my father. i wanted to breastfeed and feared that i did, in fact, make a terrible decision. but it was during these conversations that i realized my "mom guilt" is actually much, much more than that: it's full blown anxiety. anxiety about breastfeeding. anxiety about sleep and wake times. anxiety about mouth ties. anxious. all of the time. about everything. did you know that postpartum anxiety is a thing? because i didn't. i had been screened multiple times for postpartum depression, but i wasn't depressed. i was ANXIOUS. i googled everything. i joined every facebook group i could. i texted other moms incessantly. i asked "is this normal?" seventy five times a day. in no way could this be healthy. i'm happy to report that i will be attending a support group for moms with PPD/PPA on tuesday of next week and i have NO SHAME in doing so. mom-ing is fucking hard. i am responsible for keeping a little person alive and well day in and day out. my obsession with doing the "right" thing just needs to change focus. logically, i understand that i need to be confident in my decision-making... that there really aren't any "right" choices and that there REALLY ARE a million opinions out there. but emotionally, i need help in doing so. and i am ok with asking for a little help.
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this past thanksgiving, my life changed in a big way. this past thanksgiving, i became a mom.
we were scheduled for a c-section for the following day. luckily, my sister in law hosted for the holiday, so chris and i went over happy and hungry. we left early-ish, came home, showered, packed our hospital bags, and went to bed. around nine o'clock, i got up to use the restroom. i crawled back in bed and felt a gigantic gush. i remember thinking to myself, "did i not pee all the way on the toilet?" ...but the gush didn't stop. so i jostled chris away and said matter-of-factly, "my water broke." in an instant, chris flew out of bed, panic-stricken and tossed me a new pair of sweatpants. "put these on! we have to go now!" he shouted, quickly followed by, "and call the doctor!" his frantic-ness made me a little nervous, but i managed to call the ob (who called me back within minutes and told me to come to l&d). i did put on those new sweatpants, by the way, which were soon soaked, too. chris started the car and off we were. when i got to l&d, it was pretty obvious by my all-too soaked-through sweatpants that labor had started, so they ushered me into triage. i was hooked up to all sorts of monitors and by then, contractions had started. the doctor arrived not too long after. he told me that as long as the contractions stayed spaced apart and i didn't dialate too quickly, we could still wait until the morning for the c-section. but about a half hour later, the contractions were intense and i had dialated quite a bit, so off to the operating room it was. in the operating room, they administered a spinal. whoa baby did it hurt (but it only lasted a second before i went comfortably numb from the waist down). before i could process what was about the happen next, a sheet went up and chris was ushered into the operating room. i could see shadows through the curtain and hear mumblings, but i fixated on chris (who reported that i looked like a deer in headlights). not fifteen minutes later, they told chris to peek over the curtain and out popped asher james. the nurses took aj to another room to weigh and clean him (chris followed) and there i lay, belly open, now a mom. chris returned with the baby a few minutes later. i remember feeling like i was in a dream. (i also remember asking for nausea medication!) once i was sewn back up, the three of us went to a recovery room (for about an hour... but i don't have much recollection of this). after that, we were taken to our hospital room, where we would spend the next three days together. those next days were a whirlwind of emotions. friends and family came to visit. i attempted to feed my new baby. i learned what exhaustion truly felt like. and i realized that my life would never be the same again <3 there is something to be said for a "motherly instinct". i am by no means a parenting expert (far from it, as i frequently question every move i make), but when i had a feeling there was something more than i was being told, i sure am glad i listened to my gut.
since we brought him home from the hospital, poor aj really struggled to poop. he would grunt and cry (and sometimes scream) for quite a while before being able to evacuate his bowels. what's more is that it was never a complete evacuation. he would poop. we would change him. ten minutes later, more poop. this would continue for an hour or more so that by the time he fell asleep, i'd have to wake him to feed him again. i alerted the pediatrician, but he told me that aj was experiencing uncoordinated pooping and that he'd just "figure it out." (over a month later, this is still going on, by the way!) [also note: this is not the same thing as constipation. his poop is normal, he just struggles to get it all out.] his struggle to poop escalated, and my poor baby was skipping naps between feedings altogether. it got so bad, that he was only sleeping about 4 hours total in a 24 hour period. (just an fyi, infants this young are supposed to sleep about 16 hours per 24 hour period!) of course i alerted the pediatrician again and was force fed the same answer. we tried warm baths, glycerin suppositories, and anal stimulation. all to no avail. finally we decided enough was enough (and mama was NOT sleeping), so we took aj to an occupational therapist. we learned lots of helpful leg exercises to get things "flowing" and a better way to conduct tummy time to help build those belly muscles. but the most important thing we learned was that aj had mouth ties. (in fact, he had four of them: a posterior tongue tie, a lip tie, and both buccal [cheek] restrictions.) i immediately made an appointment with a preferred provider in nyc (who happens to be both a pediatric dentist and a medical doctor). while we waiting for our appointment, chris and i did tons and tons of research. what we learned made so much sense. all of these "things" that my baby was experiencing stemmed from his mouth: the inability to latch properly, my other struggles with breastfeeding (which i'll detail at a later date), his reflux (projectile vomiting after feeding; he's on zantac now to help mitigate that), his pooping issues, his lack of sleep, his constant tension and crying, his aerophagia (sucking in a ton of air while eating - he literally sounds like a squeaking mouse)... and on and on... so why weren't we told this by the pediatrician or other lactation consultants we met with before? simply put, this is a fairly controversial hot topic. there's a lot of research out there in support of getting ties released but, at the same time, there are still a lot of "old school" and/or untrained professionals out there. after lots of debate (and lots of tears), chris and i decided to move forward with the procedure (which was on saturday). [note: i know how to procedure was done, but i am one of those people who can't bear to watch, so i excused myself from the room and closed my eyes and plugged my ears. my husband was a real trooper and stayed with asher to help comfort him.] we first had a consult with the doc (who confirmed all four areas of need) and then he used a laser (which essentially cauterizes the areas so there is little to no blood) to remove the skin filaments that were preventing aj from having full mouth mobility. i got to nurse my baby immediately afterwards (using a shield, because we still can't latch) and we were taught how to do mouth stretches (5x a day!) to prevent reattachment. so how are we doing two days post op? fairly well! asher is sleeping much more (thank the heavens) because releasing the ties releases a lot of mouth an neck tension allowing him to relax more. he doesn't seem like he's in any real pain (but just in case, i made a homeopathic concoction of cold breastmilk, arnica pills, and camilla drops) except when we do the mouth stretches (then my house sounds like a torture chamber and part of me dies inside every. single. time.). there's still a lot of work to be done and we will be working closely with a lactation consultant (to help us re-learn breastfeeding) and a craniosacral therapist (think chiropractor but way more gentle). i'll keep you posted on our progress! i'll eventually get to telling my delivery story, but until then, here are the events that led up to me knowing i wasn't going to be able to have a vaginal delivery:
on saturday, november 18, i woke up and had my usual decaf coffee on the couch with my hubby. these early mornings are typically my favorite - the dogs are calm, chris and i get to spend a few minutes together before the hecticness of the day begins, and i get to feel little babe tossing and turning in my belly... except, not on this particular morning. in fact, i hadn't felt little babe in quite some time. i took a deep breath and drank some juice and waited twenty more minutes. still nothing. i ran upstairs and grabbed my doppler (against the advice of any and all doctors), but i couldn't find a heartbeat. with a little panic in my voice, i called my ob who urged me to come to L&D. once there, i was sent into triage where i was hooked up to monitors. they found little babe's heartbeat almost immediately, which helped me to relax. i had to drink more juice and change positions and minutes later, i felt tons of movement and hiccups (phew!). my ob (not my typical ob, but another member from the practice) walked in and first did an internal exam to see if i had dialated or effaced (<--- fancy word for thinning of the cervix, which happens first, before dialation). i was about 90% effaced and not dialated at all, so he went ahead and did an ultrasound, just to make sure all else was ok. and here's where the story takes a twist. although little babe had been head down weeks ago, he never "engaged" in the birth canal... so since my last ultrasound, little babe had flipped and was now a footling breech (meaning he was feet first). [no wonder i was so uncomfortable!] my ob decided that the following friday (the day after thanksgiving), i would come in for an external version (back to this in a second). if the version worked and little babe wound up head down, i would be medically induced. if the version didn't work, i'd have a c-section. in an odd way, my paranoia about not feeling the baby turned into a blessing in disguise. we were now leaving the hospital with a birthday on deck! the following tuesday, i had my usual ob check-up. we discussed the plan of action. so here's the deal: an external version is when a doctor manipulates the baby from the outside of your stomach by literally trying to turn him. at the very least, this is uncomfortable (here is a quick video, in case you are curious). but more than this, i decided that i did not want to be medically induced. inductions typically mean longer labor... and if you don't progress fast enough, after all of that pushing and laboring, you could wind up having a c-section, anyway. once i talked this over with my husband, for us, the clear choice was to schedule just the section and skip the version. this decision came with a lot of guilt. i feel like there is a ton of pressure on women (at least in the u.s.) to have the experience of a vaginal delivery. (i think a lot of this stems from the natural birth movement that is currently taking place. but let me just say, for the record, if i were to have a vaginal delivery, unequivocally, no questions asked, i would've demanded an epidural!) so now that my little man is here, am i sad that i didn't have a vaginal birth? absolutely not one bit. in fact, i'm pretty happy that i got to skip all the pushing nonsense and still wound up with a perfectly healthy little boy! SERIOUS apologies for the lack of posting. the truth of the matter is that the last trimester and subsequent birth of my son (yay! little babe is a boy!) have literally made time a foreign concept! i will start posting about what's transpired and my new life as a mom (that still sounds so surreal), but in the meantime, please enjoy this slideshow :) Asher James, born on Thanksgiving, September 23, 2017 at 11:10pm, weighing in at 6 pounds, 11 ounces, and measuring 18.5 inches long. just a quick tidbit in case you didn't know. october is pregnancy and child loss awareness month. one in four (YES, ONE IN FOUR) women experience either a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or infant loss in her lifetime. these statistics are absolutely staggering and it's amazing to me that so many are unaware. ladies, i know that this can be considered a private matter, but you should not suffer alone or in silence! and while i whole-heartedly believe in celebrating life, sometimes we also need to take moments and remember losses. so this month is for you women out there who have lost a life... though little, yet mighty. p.s. shortly after posting this, i logged into facebook and what should pop up but i post i made a year ago thanking family and friends for being super supportive when i came out with my first pregnancy loss. i took a screen-shot because it couldn't be more appropriate for today, the first of october.
...home from school. september 1st was the first day back for teachers. lots of meetings and setting up my classroom. it was a fairly relaxing day, as i had spent many days in august taking my time to set up the things i needed for this coming year. at around 4:00pm, my grade-level partner finally convinced me to leave. we said goodbye and I walked to my car. and then, it happened. a big gush. my undies were completely soaked, but I hopped in my car and headed home, assuming (TMI alert!) that it was just some extra discharge.
when i got home, i told my husband who made me call my ob. i didn't really want to because i'm not an alarmist... but he was convincing, so i called. my ob just happened to be at L&D (Labor and Delivery) and he told me to come in ASAP. i obeyed and hubby drove me to the hospital. when i got there, i was put into triage. they hooked up me up to a few monitors and kept coming in to ask if i was in pain. after about the tenth time, i finally inquired as to why they kept asking... so... it turns out i was having contractions and, um, was in labor?! WAYYYYY TOO EARLY. i honestly had no idea. i thought baby's kicks were just extra, extra strong that day. thank goodness for modern medicine because they were able to administer an iv and put an end to the contractions. and only after i was released (never actually admitted) that i realized the gravity of the situation... since then, i've had multiple visits with my ob. he's monitored my fluid levels, which, thankfully, are still just fine (i leaked but did not fully rupture - so my water did not officially break!), and he's hopeful that i will make it all 40 weeks :) as an aside, i apologize for the serious lag in blogging - between my hospital visit and being back in the full-swing of school, i haven't had much time. being a teacher is more than a full-time job (shout out to my fellow educators out there!) and i'm definitely worried about managing baby and my job (which i love and probably over-think entirely too much). and while we are on that topic, i've arranged child care for little babe once i do return to work. we visited a LOT (and i mean A LOT) of day care centers and nurseries, but at the end of the day, the best decision for us was to have someone we know care for little babe. she is a former teacher herself and i had her son in my class last year (score! she's literally down the street from where i teach!). this is a more costly option, for sure, but since it'll only be for a few weeks (because then i have the summer off), it just made the most sense. working mamas, i feel you and the financial stress, but i keep reminding myself that my mom did it, as did thousands of other women, and so, we will be just fine. well, it's officially official: i'm huge. lol. i went to the doctor last week and the nurse said i "upgraded" when i stepped on the scale as she moved the big bottom weight to the next notch to the right! ak! the good news is that everyone keeps telling me that i'm "all baby", which i'm hoping holds true for my postpartum journey to get my body back.
no news is good news in the medical community, and i don't have anything major to report except that baby is doing well with a strong heartbeat (and stronger kicks!). i've always had low blood pressure, and it's common for blood pressure to drop even more during pregnancy, which mine totally did. i also have a super low resting pulse (you can imagine how shocked i was when the nurse asked if i was an avid runner LOL farthest thing from it). so apparently a low blood pressure coupled with a low pulse is okay (there's a minor concern about fainting, but so far, so good) but a low blood pressure with a high pulse is NOT okay... so just a head's up to any pregnant ladies out there: it's important to go for your routine check-ups! in other news, i sent out invitations to the baby shower! it's over columbus day weekend, so i'm totally expecting that lots of people already have plans. but one of my very best friends ever is flying all the way from chicago, so no matter what, i'm definitely going to have a good time! (hi erika!) my amazing hubby also set up the crib (lovingly purchased for us by my parents: hi mom and dad!) and we are working on finishing up small rennos on the house before little babe's big arrival! school starts back up next week and because there was a small (read as: not so small) faux pas with my last two pay checks before summer break, i've also been working on the weekends. i completely planned out my maternity leave and now consider myself an absolute expert on the following topics: disability insurance, the Federal Family Medical Leave Act, NJ Family Leave Insurance, and the cost of day care in Monmouth County (<--- just in case you were wondering about that last one, it's astronomical!). i'm sad to see the summer go, but that just means i'm closer to meeting little babe! so today is a pretty big day for us... TODAY, LITTLE BABE IS OFFICIALLY CONSIDERED VIABLE! what in the heck does that mean, you ask? well, according to most doctors in the us, viability can mean one of two things. when referring to the pregnancy, viability means that a woman is still pregnant: a heartbeat can be detected. once a woman hits 24 weeks, however, viability takes on a whole new meaning (and this meaning is significant, especially to women who have suffered multiple losses). after 24 weeks, viability is the point in time in which a growing fetus has a reasonable chance of surviving outside of the womb. why is this even a "thing"? well, for one, it means that we've made it! (legitimately, this feels almost like a huge sigh of relief!)... and for another, g-d forbid i go into pre-term labor or something happens where little babe must be delivered early, modern medicine tells me that *most likely* the baby will, with a considerable amount of help and a NICU stay, remain alive. so there you have it folks - a milestone day for us! fingers crossed that we both stay healthy and make it full term :)
warning: long post ahead! hubby had to work yesterday (yay for lots of kids at surf camp!) so my mom came with me to the anatomy scan. it was a seriously long appointment (over an hour and half!) but super informative. the tech came in and did a detailed ultrasound. she was lovely and she walked me through everything she was scanning (except for little babe's private areas... because we still don't want to know the sex). she left the room and the doctor took a look at the images and then came in to do another scan. (crazy lucky but it WASN'T dr. peanut butter this time - same practice, just a different guy! woohoo!) anyway, everything looked normal (phew!) in fact, here's a pic of little babe's profile: we think he or she is just perfect :o) but, the doctor wanted us to be aware of all of our options. since the NT scan showed some high abnormalities (even though the blood test came back and said otherwise), the doc said that we could, if we wanted to, have an amniocentesis. an amnio is a huge needle that goes through mom's belly and into the amniotic sac to withdraw fluid for genetic and chromosomal testing. it would either confirm or dispel, to a 100% certainty, whether or not little babe has down syndrome. it would be important to get this done asap as the limit for a voluntary termination of pregnancy in the state of new jersey is 24 weeks. (this is a no judgment zone, please and thank you. to each her own!) the other thing to consider with an amnio is that doing so carries a (slight) risk of miscarriage. taking all of this into consideration, we decided NOT to go through with additional diagnostic testing. even though one (fairly subjective) screen indicates a (possible) problem, the other did not (with 99% certainty). we've decided it's not worth the risk to uncover that remaining 1%. this decision did not come easy, and we were forced to have many a difficult discussion about it in a fairly short amount of time. so to anyone out there who faces a similar situation, i just want you to know that whatever decision you make is best for YOU, and that's ok!
after my appointment, i decided it was probably a good time to initiate a disability claim for maternity leave. oh boy did i step into a world of shit. while i was undergoing fertility treatments (shots of folistem and daily blood tests), i found out that my school (i'm new to this district) did not have a disability policy. i decided to research a private policy on my own and found one who works in conjunction with the nea (national education association). right after my iui procedure, but before a pregnancy had been confirmed, i took out a disability policy. all good right? wrong. so it turns out that my policy actually didn't kick in until 4/1. my pregnancy was confirmed via blood test on 3/27. that's right - 4 days too soon. ak! total bummer. i called a claims adjuster (and an attorney - hey, ya never know?!) to see if there as anything that could be done but (a) this was a case of MY BAD. i should've read the goddamn policy more closely and waited 5 days before going to the doctor! and (b) turns out there's an exclusion in the policy about fertility treatments, anyway. i would've had to have had the policy in place PRIOR to seeking treatment. again, MY BAD. so ladies, please learn from my (expensive) mistake! if you are even considering going to a reproductive endocrinologist, take out a disability policy before stepping foot in the door! this means that my maternity leave will be unpaid (ah! [insert audible weeping]) but, hubby and i are both teachers. we are totally used to budgeting ourselves (we do it every summer sans pay), so things will be tight, but we will just figure it out. under normal circumstances, i would have a complete panic attack about this and stress out about it for weeks on end, but if i may, i'm going to quote a very good friend of mine here, who says that the BEST way to manage a stressful pregnancy is to remain "zen as fuck." so here i am, channeling my inner fucking zen ;-) namaste, bitches! |
Authorjust a girl growing into womanhood growing into motherhood. Archives
January 2018
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