after a woman experiences a miscarriage, little can be said. sometimes a sad smile and hug can go much, much further than verbal diarrhea.
these are things people... friends... have actually said to me post miscarriage. seriously. people really, truly verbalized these: "everything happens for a reason." really? thank you for you fatalistic outlook, but i'm finding it difficult to think that there was a greater, spiritual good to a baby dying inside me. "don't worry. the next one will be just fine." are you sure about that? because unless this statement comes with some sort of money-back guarantee, you.don't.know. and for the record, my next pregnancy was not fine, thank you very much. furthermore, even if it was, that does not make up for what just happened. "this is just your body's way of telling you something was wrong." perhaps true, i still don't want to think that all of those years taking care of my body were for naught. crack addicts have babies. something wasn't wrong there?! "this is just a road bump." a road bump is a pimple in the middle of my forehead. this is much, much more than a road bump. "at least it happened pretty early on." the logical part of me agrees, but the emotional part wants to punch you in the face. situations can always get more dire. but right now, this feels pretty fucking bad. "well... you don't look pregnant." in case you missed the memo, i'm not. "you look great!" i feel like shit! "this happened to my mom. and look! i'm here!" it happened to my mom, too. i am also here. and i know that modern medicine may provide a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now, i'm at the mouth of that tunnel. and it is dark.
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well, i suppose i should start at the beginning. it was the weekend after july 4th. i had spent the week before boozin' it up on a girls' trip to chicago. i came home, unwound myself, drank lots of water, and tested positive on a pregnancy test. i was shocked. and nervous. did i do anything to hurt the baby? august 6. my wedding day. only a very select few people knew about the pregnancy and i danced the night away pretending to chug vodka and club (which was really just seltzer). two days later, my new husband and i left for our tahitian honeymoon. although i didn't drink, i did go surfing, hiking, swimming, snorkeling, and sunbathing. did i do anything to hurt the baby? september 15. my husband, also a teacher, was at his back-to-school night. i was home relaxing with the dogs when i suddenly got an urge to pee (not uncommon for a pregnant lady). i got up to use the bathroom and immediately called my parents. frantic, they rushed me to the emergency room. that was miscarriage 1. the results from the d&c revealed nothing. normal fetus. no chromosomal abnormalities. male. my doctor recommended that we try again as soon as possible. we did. october 31. halloween. the ultrasound revealed a new pregnancy! my husband and i got an ultrasound every other week. things were progressing nicely. december 16. routine ultrasound. no heartbeat. how could this be happening again? that was miscarriage 2. heartbroken, we sought the counsel of a reproductive endocrinologist. and that is where this story picks up... My husband is an avid surfer. We bought this shirt to wear with my first pregnancy for Halloween. That didn't pan out. On Halloween, however, we found out we were again expecting, and I got a chance to sport my "costume" while handing out candy to trick-or-treaters!
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Authorjust a girl growing into womanhood growing into motherhood. Archives
January 2018
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