that title /\ sure does encompass a lot, but for me, they are all intertwined.
in the hospital, i wasn't ever given a choice. i mean, that was fine by me, since my plan was to breastfeed anyway, but looking back, no one ever had a conversation about this with me. in fact, no one even showed me how. i remember when the nurse came in the day after asher was born to ask if i had fed him. "fed him?" i thought... "how do i do that?" she grabbed my boob and tried to shove it into my son's mouth, but to no avail. "keep trying," she instructed. so try i did. i spent that next day trying over and over and over again. eventually, i asked to speak with a lactation consultant (and i honestly wouldn't have even known to do that, but a good friend of mine had given birth two week prior and told me to do so). the lactation consultant esentially did the same thing the nurse did: contort my boob every which way possible and shove it into my son's mouth. when that didn't work, i was shown how to hand express the colostrum from my breast and syringe feed the baby like a bird. whatever worked. upon her exit, she instructed me to "keep trying." this went on for the entire length of our hospital stay. three lactation consultants, five nurses, and even one attending doctor tried to get my son to latch. eventually the original lactation consultant returned to check on us and handed my a nipple shield. it worked! but before i could get too happy, i was instructed to NOT use the shield for more than a few days and to "keep trying". what a bummer. the day after we were released (yes, the day after), i attended a breastfeeding group with that same lactation consultant. again she tried, but to no avail. upon my exist she suggested i look into hiring a private lactation consultant. i remember watching all of the other women at the group breastfeed their babies. some even shred stories of breastfeeding struggles and woes, but i left feeling more defeated than empowered. i now know that his inability to latch was do to severe ties all over his mouth and that no amount of "trying" was going to solve that. against convention, i continued to feed my baby using the shield. hey, if it isn't broken, why fix it? after the revision surgery, aj was still unable to latch, and so use of the shield continued still. i found a new ibclc who did weighted feeds and, while use of a shield is considered a "crutch", my son was transferring milk well and gaining weight. in my eyes, those are both major successes. but then the rashes started. "restrict your diet" i was instructed. so i took out dairy and soy (and beef, too, because bovine protein closely mimics milk and soy protein). and magically, the rashes disappeared. victory! but then more rashes, angrier rashes appeared. "restrict your diet" i was instructed. so i took out gluten and corn (also high allergens). and soon, those rashes faded, too.... but not before the bloody stool began. (and let me just tell you, seeing blood in my son's poop bout scared me to death!) "restrict your diet" i was instructed. so this time, i also removed eggs and nuts. i'm not going to sugar coat this, because i know there are women who eat this cleanly every day, but living like this was a miserable existence. so i did what i thought was an easy fix, i asked for a prescription for hypoallergenic formula. the formula is covered by insurance (thank goodness, because it's super expensive!) and smells TERRIBLE. i called my ob to let him know that i would be ceasing breastfeeding, and he gave me a chart to do so slowly (so as to avoid engorged breasts and mastitis). the first time i fed him a bottle, i cried (i did the second and third time, as well) and my son screamed. i switched bottles and nipples, but every time, he would just cry, cry, cry and make "yucky" faces (and hell, i couldn't blame him). this is where the mom guilt really started to set in. mom guilt is like normal guilt, except it makes you question your parenting decisions. should i have just kept the restricted diet in order to keep breastfeeding? was i being truly selfish? there are women out there who literally cannot breastfeed - and here i am, choosing not to. those were a long few nights and days. up all evening thinking about how i possibly made a huge mistake and dreading the moment i would have to make a bottle for my baby. but it wasn't until the other day when my best friend came over with her baby (he's only a month or so older than asher!). there she was, breastfeeding away (without a shield, i'd like to add) and here i was, forcing my screaming child to drink this concoction that i legitimately loathed. (it is SUPER IMPORTANT that i add here that i am totally not against formula-feeding! whether you have to or choose to - the MOST important thing here is that baby is fed and thriving. but for me, i just want to highlight the emotions switching over to formula evoked for ME.) it was at this moment that i realized just how emotional i was about breastfeeding. i shoved my feelings aside and the very next day, attempted formula feeding again. two other friends were over witnessing this and how upset it made me. that night, i had a breakdown. i cried to my husband and to my father. i wanted to breastfeed and feared that i did, in fact, make a terrible decision. but it was during these conversations that i realized my "mom guilt" is actually much, much more than that: it's full blown anxiety. anxiety about breastfeeding. anxiety about sleep and wake times. anxiety about mouth ties. anxious. all of the time. about everything. did you know that postpartum anxiety is a thing? because i didn't. i had been screened multiple times for postpartum depression, but i wasn't depressed. i was ANXIOUS. i googled everything. i joined every facebook group i could. i texted other moms incessantly. i asked "is this normal?" seventy five times a day. in no way could this be healthy. i'm happy to report that i will be attending a support group for moms with PPD/PPA on tuesday of next week and i have NO SHAME in doing so. mom-ing is fucking hard. i am responsible for keeping a little person alive and well day in and day out. my obsession with doing the "right" thing just needs to change focus. logically, i understand that i need to be confident in my decision-making... that there really aren't any "right" choices and that there REALLY ARE a million opinions out there. but emotionally, i need help in doing so. and i am ok with asking for a little help.
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Authorjust a girl growing into womanhood growing into motherhood. Archives
January 2018
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